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Chronicles of Boredom

Just Missed the Train


Just a Dream



February 12th, 2011

it lives!! story at 11pm

So Not the Drama
i am alive.

more information later...

this message brought to by katie porter.

July 16th, 2009


Just a Dream
Your challenge is to write crossover fanfiction combining Sailor Moon and Dragonball Z.
The story should use alcoholism as a plot device!

Generated by the Terrible Crossover Fanfiction Idea Generator

the saddest part? it's probably already been done... multiple times.

January 26th, 2009

okay, i'm a little lonely

So Not the Drama
god hates me. i got my final confirmation for this tonight while i was watching house, MD. see, there is probably only one night during this week in which i won't be home. that of course would be wednesday night, as CCSU is back in session and PRIDE starts on wednesday. kelly clarkson has a new single out... and when is the video premiering? oh, that's right, during american idol on wednesday night. i mean, i got all excited 'cause this commercial came on and there was kelly clarkson singing my life would suck without you, but it was followed by this horrible voice that was saying, "you won't be able to see it though. sucks to be you." so now i'm sure that people are probably thinking, so why don't i just tape it, right? go back in my LJ... there have been SEVERAL times in which kelly clarkson was on american idol on a wednesday night, but because god hates me, every time the VCR either didn't go off to tape it or my tape ran out of room right before kelly clarkson was on. so, big deal, right? i mean, i'm sure i could just come home it'll be somewhere online that i can watch it... and if i can't do it that night, i can watch it the day after. what the hell is wrong with you people!? how can i be her biggest fan when i can't even watch the premiere of her newest music video? sorry, i'm not bitter.

do you know where that entirely pointless rant about kelly clarkson on american idol came from? well, i mean besides the whole thing where i happen to be obsessed. there's actually a whole bunch of reasons... but one of them is 'cause i haven't slept in like, 45 hours now. i think it's a mix of pain and this new illness i've just diagnosed myself with. it's called chronic thinking. unfortunately, chronic thinking can cause other unfortunate illnesses, like chronic worrying, and chronic insomnia. see, it's like lupus... other illnesses like to follow in its footsteps.

i don't know why i couldn't fall asleep last night. i think i stayed up playing solitaire until about 3am, then i finally decided i might as well try to lay down and go to sleep. you know, the sleep just never came. unfortunately for me, my shoulders were already hurting me... and then i noticed a new pain. it was in my right elbow and lower arm. if i had to bet money on it, i would say without a doubt that it's avascular necrosis pain. i've had to deal with different kinds of pain for a long a time, and i'm pretty good at telling what kind of pain it is that i'm dealing with. hey, i knew that i had it in my feet too... so i got the x-rays done and rheumatologist ended up telling me exactly what i told her before i even had the x-rays done. she's a pretty incredible doctor and she knows that i know my body well enough to know what's bothering me. so, it looks like when i go in for my next follow-up appointment on march 3rd, i'll be asking that they take some x-rays of my elbows along with the blood they want to take from me. which means, that when i'm in the hospital for my shoulder replacement, rheumatologist is gonna come check up on me at some point, as she always does, and will probably confirm some new places with avascular necrosis in them.

i've hit a wall. i have avascular necrosis in about nine different places in my body. last night/early this morning, i was in EXCRUCIATING pain, and it brought me to tears. i can handle a lot... i can even handle a lot of pain if need be, but i cannot do this anymore. next week i'm going to call rheumatologist and explain where i am as far as the pain goes. i'm going to have to go back on the oxycodone. i have to. there will be all kinds of precautions that i plan on taking so it doesn't get out of hand though. for one thing, i'm not going to go back on as high of a dose as i was on when i stopped taking it. second, i'm gonna bring my very paranoid grandmother into it. i told her i planned on keeping in the kitchen, right on the counter where she was allowed to count the pills whenever she felt the need to be overly annoying. also, there will be a little journal kept there right next to it where i will right down every single time i take it. if i'm leaving the house, i will try to estimate about how long i will be out of the house for and only bring the number of pills i should be taking within that time frame, rather than carrying around the entire bottle with me. of course, if i were to say get pulled over or something and searched, that could get me arrested, but i figure in the end i'd be able to prove they were a legitimate medication and that's just a risk i'm willing to take. guys, sometimes, it pays to be a little bit paranoid about certain things. oh, and i'm talking about the oxycodone, not the police, just so we're still on the same page.

i'm also having this huge problem with boredom and loneliness. i have got nothing but time on my hands and no kind of transportation, so i just sit around thinking about things... ALL THE TIME. it's horrible. i'm pretty sure that i've figured out that i'm allergic to boredom. i sneezed for like an hour nonstop earlier today. back to the point though... i was all excited 'cause i was supposed to take the car on wednesday. i hoped to spend some time on campus earlier in the day and then i finally had my first counseling appointment at 2:45 on wednesday afternoon. grams is probably going to make me reschedule 'cause she doesn't want me to take the car. there's apparently a chance we could have snow, but they're not 100% sure yet. as of this moment though, it looks like wednesday may just be another day where i'm stuck at home alone, doing some more thinking.

January 19th, 2009

turns out that my left shoulder is worse than my right shoulder. it's right on the verge of collapse. i'm not surprised, they both hurt like a bitch. the really fun part of the appointment was the fact that grams was there. yeah, she had the day off because it was a holiday, so she got to tag along. of course she bitched through the entire appointment, asking over and over if there was something else that could be done besides surgery. orthopaedic surgeon explained to her over and over again that there wasn't and if we continued to wait forever to have it done, than it would collapse and the surgery would be a lot more invasive. this still didn't satisfy her, but i told her to shut up.

of course, i still have to get off of my immunosuppressants. so, i'm stopping those today, which means i can have surgery on... march 5th. wait, i'll give everyone a second to figure out the significance of march 5th. that's right! i'm getting a new shoulder for my 25th birthday. before everyone jumps on my back about how i should put it off an extra week or whatever... please don't bother. see, i'm living with a whole bunch of pain on a very regular basis... i wish i didn't even have to wait that long to have it done. i'm having it done on my birthday... you know, unless the lupus goes into overdrive because i'm not on any medication for it.

that's okay. my life could be a whole lot worse than it actually is. my life would suck without you should officially be playing a whole bunch on radio stations tomorrow. it's supposed to anyway. i'm all kinds of upset at kelly clarkson right now, though. she just dropped in favorite points by a lot... and yet she's still winning when it comes to favorite celebrities. by A LOT. i just found out that her second single is supposed to be called (i do not) hook up and you'll never guess who wrote it. well, kara dioguardi (the new judge on american idol for anyone who doesn't know), who actually helps write a lot of kelly clarkson's music, at least on breakaway... but also FUCKING katy perry. you have no idea how angry i am over this. i mean, katy perry? i'm not surprised either, with a name like, (i do not) hook up. though i suppose if katy perry were singing it, it would be i hook up all the time, with boys and girls, depending on how drunk i am. stupid fucking katy perry. kelly, how could you stoop so low?

it's just not right.

January 18th, 2009

that's unfortunate

Spencer & Ashley
so, i've been feeling pretty off over the past few days. i mean, there were things that i could blame it, but i think i finally realized what my major problem was. i thought that maybe if i went on a narcotic that was less effective, i'd be alright. i was a whole bunch of wrong. don't worry, i wasn't abusing it or anything... i just realized that not that long ago i was feeling pretty fantastic as far as mental status goes... and then i started taking the vicodin.

over the past few days, it seems like everything i worked so hard for was slowly falling back through the cracks, and i cannot let that happen again. so i had to decide if the physical pain was worth living with compared to the depression. the pain won by a landslide. i don't believe. i don't believe everything is lost either. within the next few days the narcotics will be out of my system and i'll start to feel better.

i was super precautious with the narcotics this time. i wrote down every time i took it and never took more than i was supposed to. i had considered the fact that i needed to be careful, but i never really considered that such a low dose of vicodin would start messing with my head... especially not less than two weeks after i started taking it.

so i don't really know where i'm going to go from here. i think i've pretty much learned that i can't really be on any narcotics unless i have to, like when i'm having surgery. so i don't really know what i'm going to do from here, i only know that i prefer being in pain to feeling like a stranger in my own body. at least the pain is familiar. there have been other things going that are upsetting me, not gonna lie. the narcotics just amplifies it... i can't really explain unless you've been there, though i'm fairly certain that anybody who's ever been depressed understands what i'm talking about.

i don't even have an appointment until tomorrow, but i'm already starting to freak out about shoulder surgery. so, at the moment, i don't have a date or anything for the surgery, but i'm freaking out about it none-the-less. i'm hoping that at tomorrow's appointment i will get a date, but maybe he'll be an idiot and think that i can go on for a while longer without having to have it replaced. maybe he'll think that it's better if he doesn't replace it because i'm too young. sorry, i'm not bitter.

i'm fairly certain that he'll do some x-rays, see i have it in both my shoulder and arm, talk to me about how i can't really do much for the pain, and decide that it needs to be replaced. rheumatologist made it sound like she's already talked to him about it and he'll know most of my history when i go in there. that's always nice... seeing new doctors is such a pain in the ass 'cause i have a really long medical history.

i'm worried about surgery for a few reasons. for one thing, i've never had a shoulder replaced, so i don't really know what to expect. i suspect that it won't be all that different from a hip replacement, as they're both ball-in-socket joints, they're just in different places on the body. i also suspect that i'll be stuck in a sling for a while. the fact that i'll have to be on heavy duty painkillers also worries me. i don't want to be on them, at all, ever. i'm not really going to have much of a choice though. finally, there's the fact that it's surgery. i know i don't have to remind anybody, but i'm going to anyway. I HATE SURGERY. IT SCARES ME. A LOT. i'm sorry that everyone has to hear me complain about it so often. i am well on my way to becoming the bionic woman.

oh, i had my appointment with hematologist. it was incredibly uneventful... i spend an hour giving her my medical history, 'cause as i said, it is long. i'm sure i still didn't cover everything. then at the end of the appointment she told me that i had thrombocytosis (high platelet count), leukocytosis (high white cell count), and iron deficiency anemia. this is all stuff i already knew. i pretty much knew that i was going to go into that appointment and it was going to pretty much be an entire waste of time. it wasn't though... at least i got out of the house for a while.

there's one more thing that's kind of got me down. there's no way in hell that i'll be able to return to school this semester. i mean, i've got this chronic pain issues and no way to treat it at the moment. i'm hoping that either sometime during the semester, or sometime over the summer, someone will be able to figure something out. i'm gonna try to be optimistic about it. it's not always easy, as pain can really put you into a mental fog. i should be okay though. also, there's that surgery thing. i really shouldn't be in school if i'm having a replacement done... it just isn't a good mix.

sorry i talked forever. i do that when i don't update, as i'm sure people know. funny how i went from updating a whole bunch to not at all. i'll try not to do that again. writing helps me sort everything out, so i should really do it more often. well, i think things can only get better from here. that's what i'm going to keep telling myself anyway.

January 8th, 2009

yay for books and pasta!

So Not the Drama
i feel like i'm in a really good place right now. i finally feel like i really understand the vast majority of the stuff going on in my life and i've either done what i have to or i'm in the process of doing what i have to do in order to make things better. i think i'm doing a pretty okay job so far. i certainly feel a hell of a lot better about how my life is going.

i had to call and reschedule my appointment with orthopaedic surgeon today. see, my house is completely surrounded by ice. i didn't really feel that i should take the chance of going out this morning and potentially slipping, falling, and breaking one of my hips... as i was, ironically, going to a follow-up appointment for my hip. i especially don't want to go and screw up one of my hips as i now have to start seriously thinking about getting my shoulder replaced. i don't need to add problems to the list... i need to subtract them.

unfortunately, i still got up at 8am and i was unable to go back to sleep after i rescheduled my appointment. the whole falling asleep and staying asleep thing is still a very big problem for me. even more unfortunate was the fact that after a while i regretted rescheduling my appointment, because if i had kept the appointment, i would have had the car and i wouldn't be so freaking bored.

at some point i made the decision that i needed to get out of the house at some point today. so when grams came home on her lunch hour, i asked her what her plans were when she got out of work. realizing that i was asking if she wanted to bring me somewhere later, she asked where i wanted to go. i told her i wanted to go to border's to use my gift card. see, 'cause then not only do i get to get out of the house later, but i can by reading material that might keep me entertained for a few days. it seemed like a really good temporary solution to my boredom problems.

as i was talking to grams though, i decided that if we were already out of the house, i should ask if she wanted to eat out tonight. she said sure and i thought it was a really good time see if she wanted to go to the olive garden, since we'd be in the area... as she never wanted to go in any of the times i've asked her over the past, say, year or so. it's very sad and unfortunate. she said she'd think about it, but unsure if that's what she wanted... not that i think she even remembered what the olive garden was, as she kept asking me what kind of food they have.

i decided there was one more thing i could try to do ensure that i could get some yummy chicken alfredo for dinner tonight... i suggested that i call my uncle and see if he wanted to go with us tonight. she said sure, call him. so i called uncle danny and asked him what he was doing tonight... i was incredibly disappointed when he told me that he planned to go to a meeting tonight with his friend, bill. he asked why i wanted to know and i told him it didn't matter 'cause he already had plans. he said, no, no... tell me why you wanted to you. so i said me and grams were going to the olive garden and wanted to know if he wanted to go. he then got excited and said he would totally blow off bill and the meeting for the olive garden.

so, i get to eat yummy, delicious italian food for dinner and get some reading material to keep me amused for a few days. it should be whole bunches of fun. i really have to go take a shower and get ready though, as grams gets out of work in a half an hour and i need to be ready. if dinner and border's is entertaining enough, or if i buy something really awesome, i might come home and update again before i go to bed. then again, maybe i'll be too excited about what i buy and want to start reading it right away. we'll just have to see.

January 6th, 2009

i'm back!!

Bianca and Maggie
guys, i'm so excited, i'm like bouncing off the walls!

my appointment with rheumatologist today was AMAZING... and not 'cause i didn't get bad news, 'cause i did, but i'll get to that eventually. i think today was so awesome because it's the first time that i've fully realized how far along i've come when it comes to "fixing" myself. i fucking LOVE rheumatologist... she sat there talking to me forever about how i really felt, the difference between my moods when i'm on and off the narcotics, just anything and everything that's going on with me to make sure that i'm doing well. she's just like, one of those one in a million doctors who actually care about how you're doing as opposed to how much money they're making because they're a doctor.

so the first thing we had to talk about was the pain. the pain of course tied in with the depression, so we spent a lot of time talking about it. i told her that i needed to go back onto some type of painkiller because i had trouble just leaving the house. see, when you have chronic pain, it also causes chronic fatigue and weakness. so not only was i in pain, i was completely worn down. before we started talking about what i should start taking for the pain, we talked about my depression. she could tell immediately that i was doing much, much better than i was last month. i then explained to her that in the past month i was much more concerned with fixing the depression problem than i was about fixing the pain issue, 'cause i knew that at least some of it was related. she fully agreed and told me she was amazed that i had gone a month without being on anything for the pain.

then we started talking about what we should do for the pain. she suggested that we do a lower dosage of the oxycodone (percocet) and i told her that i really wanted to stay away from the oxycodone. again, i don't want to be on it again unless i have to have surgery (which is another thing i'll get to). so i suggested that we move down in the narcotics classes and try the hydrocodone (vicodin). guys, i had to... i knew that darvocet just wasn't going to do it. she agreed that we could try the hydrocodone, but she warned me that it definitely wasn't going to get rid of all my pain. i told her that i knew the ramifications of not being on a stronger narcotic, but i had thought really long and hard about it, and i felt that the mental and emotional benefits outweighed the physical ones. then we had to talk about the dosage. she said that we could either do one to two tablets (5mg) every six hours or we could do one tablet every four hours. i told her i wanted to try the lower dosage, so we decided on one tablet every four hours, and if that doesn't work out, i'll give her a call and we can try the other dosage. i'm pretty sure that i'll be fine though. i knew when i went in there that my main goal wasn't killing all the pain... my main goal was to kill some of the pain so that i could lead a normal life but still be able to keep a clear head.

of course, there always comes that point during the appointment in which we have to discuss the bad news. the first thing we talked about was the x-rays of my feet. i do have avascular necrosis in both of my feet, but it's worse in the right foot. this is pretty much exactly what i told her was going on before i had the x-rays done and we talked about how i can tell the difference between different pain issues... like how fibromyalgia pain is different from AVN pain. that wasn't the worst news though. she told me that she wanted me to see a different orthopaedic surgeon who specializes in shoulders, and start really considering getting my shoulders replaced. pretty much the very last thing i want to be thinking about right now is more surgery, but both rheumatologists were pretty adamant that i should get my right shoulder done. apparently they've been going over my x-rays lately, which i was unaware of. then main rheumatologist said that it must hurt if i roll over in the middle of the night, and i had to admit that yes, i often woke in the middle of the night because pain. so, they're right... i'm gonna wait for the receptionist to call me back with an appointment and i'm gonna see this specialist and start thinking about getting my right shoulder replaced. as of right this second though, i'm gonna try not to worry about it too much. at the end of the appointment, main rheumatologist told me she was proud of me and i told her i didn't do anything. then rheumatologist told me that i had done A LOT and i had come a long way. it just made me feel really good about myself and the decisions i'm making.

after my appointment, i went to CVS to get my prescription filled. i was standing there for like 30 seconds, when suddenly this guy comes up from behind me, grabs my arm, and then says, "security." i freaked the fuck out and turned around. it was my uncle danny. he's such an asshole. he asked me what appointment i had just come from and what i had to get filled. i told him all about my adventure in rheumatology and he told me that he was glad i made the decision to stay away from the oxycodone. we talked while we waited for our prescriptions to be filled (which took forever) and i'm fairly certain i talked his ear off. i remember thinking, "do i usually talk this much?" i'm gonna take it as another sign that i'm feeling better.

unfortunately, now i'm home and i've got a whole bunch of time on my hands to think about a certain someone and potential shoulder surgery. i'm debating whether to tell grams about the whole shoulder thing right now or wait until later. she's gonna freak out and i just don't really wanna deal with it right now.

sorry for the book, but i've decided that journaling is now my release.

January 4th, 2009

kelly clarkson!!

Kelly Clarkson
well, it's getting around to that time that everyone who has the privilege of knowing me, hates a whole bunch.

that my friends is the cover art of kelly clarkson's new single, my life would suck without you, which will be coming out on january 19th. i don't care if you're not excited, i am all kinds of excited and i think that's what really matters here.

of course, there is still no cover art out for the album. as i've already told people, it will come out on march 17th. if they delay it, i will cry. as of right now though, that's the date that it's supposed to drop.

wait! there's more good news! they already have a name for the album too. it'll be called all i ever wanted, and i will be the first person in line at best buy whenever the hell it opens that day to buy it. no, i'm just kidding. i'm pretty obsessive, but i'm not like, stalker crazy.

a whole bunch of people didn't like my december. i mean, i liked it 'cause it was kelly clarkson... but even i'll admit that breakaway kinda blew it out of the water. so, to fix this problem, kelly clarkson is going back to her old style of music. all i ever wanted will be much more like breakaway. so hopefully she'll have a bunch of new singles and i'll be able to drive people mad with them.

i was considering writing more, about stuff that's actually significant (not that kelly clarkson isn't significant, i think all things that make me happy are), but i don't really have the time to do so right now.

meaghan's getting ready to bring me home... and i kinda just wanna go home, take a shower, make some tea, and write about stuff. i've been writing a lot lately and i definitely feel like it's helping.

so maybe you'll see another entry later, maybe you won't. i'm sure you'll see one on monday though, after i find out what my hematologist has to say. there will probably be another update on tuesday after i find out what my rheumatologist has to say. then there will be another one on thursday after i see orthopaedic surgeon. dammit.

guys, i'm sorry that all i ever write about is kelly clarkson and my health. it makes me sad too.

January 3rd, 2009

my fairy tale:revised

Rachel & Luce
once upon a time, in the land of right up the street, there lived a girl. we'll call her princess very crippled. even though princess very crippled was a girl, she often found that old people often got confused and thought she was a boy. that was okay, it never bothered her.

however, princess very crippled lived with the evil witch of the land of up the street, grandmother-bitches-a-lot. princess very crippled knew that grandmother-bitches-a-lot hated the fact princess very crippled liked pretty girls. a lot. grandmother-bitches-a-lot was terribly afraid that people would see princess very crippled and assume she was gay. this also didn't bother princess very crippled, as she was gay. she was very gay. however, grandmother-bitches-a-lot's problem with princess very crippled's gayness is another story for another day.

then one day long ago, in gay time, princess very crippled met the most beautiful woman she had ever seen. her name was princess never silly and she was from the land of just a few towns over. they spent a lot of time together, talking about anything and everything. it didn't matter what they were doing, they just liked spending time together. over the next several months, they were incredibly happy. they frolicked through meadows with prairie weasels and kitties and kissed each other goodbye outside of princess very cripple's castle. oh, grandmother-bitches-a-lot did not appreciate that. not that princess very crippled cared.

so it went on like that for a while, both princesses were both in love and they were happy. however, as everybody knows, fairy tales don't work like that. you can't just be happy forever, something's gonna happen and there's going to be some kind of obstacle that you have to face in order to prove that you are worthy of continuing on a happy path. it's true, there are stories and songs all about it. go listen to taylor swift.

unfortunately for the princesses, their obstacle would not be an easy one to overcome. see, one day a vast darkness descended on princess very crippled (like she didn't already have enough problems). anyway, the darkness spread through her and she became an entirely different person. she started acting completely out of character for her. where she was usually fairly happy and joked around about everything, she was now very depressed and didn't see the point of anything.

the worst part was that she allowed the darkness to destroy her relationship with princess never silly. the princesses had always been able to talk to each other about everything, but eventually, princess very crippled stopped really talking to princess very silly. see, princess very crippled did not like anybody to see her when she so weak. she didn't want princess never silly to know how bad everything really was, so she went around pretending like nothing was wrong.

this was a stupid idea and somebody should hit princess very crippled upside the head a few times just for thinking it. they might even consider using princesses very crippled's cane. see, by that point in their relationship, princess never silly could read princess very crippled like a book and she always knew when something was wrong. princess very crippled figured that the darkness would go away eventually, she would just have to wait it out. there was a major flaw in that plan though.

she never meant to intentionally hurt princess very silly, for she loved her with all her heart. that didn't really matter though, for the darkness had gotten so bad, that princess very crippled just didn't think about the consequences of her actions anymore. at that point, there was no way to save the relationship between the princesses. princess crippled had hid things, became paranoid about everything, and for some reason expected princess never silly to fix all of princess very crippled's problems. long story short, she hurt princess never silly very badly.

princess very crippled often wishes that she could take back everything that happened, but she knows that it doesn't work that way in fairy tales... it doesn't work that way in real life either. so she'll have to prove herself some other way.

someday, maybe there will be a happy ending, where princess very crippled can come and swoop princess never silly away on her white horse... even though she's pretty much afraid of horses. i'm pretty sure she'd brave a horse for princess never silly though.

so guys, i'm sorry that i didn't tell you a fairy tale that has a happy ending. someday soon though, princess very crippled is going to figure out what she has to do in order to win back princess never silly's heart.

January 2nd, 2009


Just a Dream
god, i just need to shut the fuck up. ALL THE TIME.
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