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Chronicles of Boredom

that's unfortunate

that's unfortunate

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Spencer & Ashley
so, i've been feeling pretty off over the past few days. i mean, there were things that i could blame it, but i think i finally realized what my major problem was. i thought that maybe if i went on a narcotic that was less effective, i'd be alright. i was a whole bunch of wrong. don't worry, i wasn't abusing it or anything... i just realized that not that long ago i was feeling pretty fantastic as far as mental status goes... and then i started taking the vicodin.

over the past few days, it seems like everything i worked so hard for was slowly falling back through the cracks, and i cannot let that happen again. so i had to decide if the physical pain was worth living with compared to the depression. the pain won by a landslide. i don't believe. i don't believe everything is lost either. within the next few days the narcotics will be out of my system and i'll start to feel better.

i was super precautious with the narcotics this time. i wrote down every time i took it and never took more than i was supposed to. i had considered the fact that i needed to be careful, but i never really considered that such a low dose of vicodin would start messing with my head... especially not less than two weeks after i started taking it.

so i don't really know where i'm going to go from here. i think i've pretty much learned that i can't really be on any narcotics unless i have to, like when i'm having surgery. so i don't really know what i'm going to do from here, i only know that i prefer being in pain to feeling like a stranger in my own body. at least the pain is familiar. there have been other things going that are upsetting me, not gonna lie. the narcotics just amplifies it... i can't really explain unless you've been there, though i'm fairly certain that anybody who's ever been depressed understands what i'm talking about.

i don't even have an appointment until tomorrow, but i'm already starting to freak out about shoulder surgery. so, at the moment, i don't have a date or anything for the surgery, but i'm freaking out about it none-the-less. i'm hoping that at tomorrow's appointment i will get a date, but maybe he'll be an idiot and think that i can go on for a while longer without having to have it replaced. maybe he'll think that it's better if he doesn't replace it because i'm too young. sorry, i'm not bitter.

i'm fairly certain that he'll do some x-rays, see i have it in both my shoulder and arm, talk to me about how i can't really do much for the pain, and decide that it needs to be replaced. rheumatologist made it sound like she's already talked to him about it and he'll know most of my history when i go in there. that's always nice... seeing new doctors is such a pain in the ass 'cause i have a really long medical history.

i'm worried about surgery for a few reasons. for one thing, i've never had a shoulder replaced, so i don't really know what to expect. i suspect that it won't be all that different from a hip replacement, as they're both ball-in-socket joints, they're just in different places on the body. i also suspect that i'll be stuck in a sling for a while. the fact that i'll have to be on heavy duty painkillers also worries me. i don't want to be on them, at all, ever. i'm not really going to have much of a choice though. finally, there's the fact that it's surgery. i know i don't have to remind anybody, but i'm going to anyway. I HATE SURGERY. IT SCARES ME. A LOT. i'm sorry that everyone has to hear me complain about it so often. i am well on my way to becoming the bionic woman.

oh, i had my appointment with hematologist. it was incredibly uneventful... i spend an hour giving her my medical history, 'cause as i said, it is long. i'm sure i still didn't cover everything. then at the end of the appointment she told me that i had thrombocytosis (high platelet count), leukocytosis (high white cell count), and iron deficiency anemia. this is all stuff i already knew. i pretty much knew that i was going to go into that appointment and it was going to pretty much be an entire waste of time. it wasn't though... at least i got out of the house for a while.

there's one more thing that's kind of got me down. there's no way in hell that i'll be able to return to school this semester. i mean, i've got this chronic pain issues and no way to treat it at the moment. i'm hoping that either sometime during the semester, or sometime over the summer, someone will be able to figure something out. i'm gonna try to be optimistic about it. it's not always easy, as pain can really put you into a mental fog. i should be okay though. also, there's that surgery thing. i really shouldn't be in school if i'm having a replacement done... it just isn't a good mix.

sorry i talked forever. i do that when i don't update, as i'm sure people know. funny how i went from updating a whole bunch to not at all. i'll try not to do that again. writing helps me sort everything out, so i should really do it more often. well, i think things can only get better from here. that's what i'm going to keep telling myself anyway.
  • Oh, that sucks. Will you be on campus at all this semester? It'll be weird to have you not in the office. =/
    • i'll still be at the meetings... unless i'm having surgery. i'll try to be around too... i won't be around as much, but i'll try to make it on campus every now and again.
  • Are you sure you weren't worrying so much while you were on the pain medicine about getting the way you used to her, that you made yourself feel that way? You know, psyching yourself out?

    Also, have you gone to like pain management or something? I mean they must have some sort of idea, especially for people that were like addicted to narcotics but still in pain..there must be some thing they give them, maybe it could work for you?
    • i don't know. the pain is getting really horrible at this point. vicodin wasn't touching the pain anyway. that's one thing that really scares me. if i go on any kind of narcotic and it's actually going to do anything, i'm going to have to go back on the oxycodone. i'm hoping that i'll make it through until i have surgery on march 5th. if i feel better on the drugs while i'm recovering, it might be time to reconsider going back on them.

      i can't go into pain management at the moment. my insurance sucks and nobody takes it. i might be able to get in after a year, 'cause i can apply for a different kind of insurance on top of the one i have, after being on disability for two years. i don't know though, i'll just have to wait and see.
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